A Fabrication

Well, cat's out of the bag before it could even get comfortable in the back of the truck on the way to the river. The tale of our abduction at the hands of Haole Extremists, who were later going to be identified as the Pale Hand of Garapan, was slightly exaggerated. We DID go to Coffee Care, it should be noted. After that, the story sort of... well, it had it's own legs and was walking around. Let's put it that way.

The good news is that there is genuine excitement in the air as the Birdonnell family calendar now includes a number of Cheese-related holidays. That's right. We're moving to Wisconsin!

A number of questions arise with this bit of news:
1.) Is our timing in any way related to Bret Favre's current hesitancy to either retire or return?
2.) Will Landy adapt well to the new climate and surroundings?
3.) Will Landy be allowed through customs? Will he need shots? Will we have to declare him as a gift/animal/plant detritus? Who do we go to for these answers?

There are others, but lists are boring. Let's try a table instead. Tables are lovely. This should be considered a preliminary glimpse into the variation of traits and behaviors common to two locales: Saipan, CNMI and Beaver Dam, Wisconsin:

Differentiating Factors	Saipan	Beaver Dam
Potable Water	NO	YES
Movie Theater	YES	YES
Ocean	YES	NO
Very Long Lake	NO	YES
Chipotle Proximity	NO	YES
Betel Nut	YES	NO
Delicious Fruit Bat	YES	?
Affordable Cheese	NO	YES
WWII Live Ordinance	YES	?
Proximity to Canada	NO	YES
County Fair	NO	YES
Taco Bell	NO	YES
Year-Round 50 Cent Meat on a Stick Stands	YES	?

As you can see, the choice was obvious. You take the thirteen categories that matter most to you, and see where you would end up.

On a side note, there was some confusion on the part of a visitor from the infamous site of Jim and Kristene. All apologies, Mrs. Lind, if the light nature of this prose causes it to be confused for "satire" or "fiction." The narrative voice of this page is still emerging, but it is intended, at all times and without exception, to be as serious in tone and timbre as Mr. James Earl Jones. As you read, please imagine his voice narrating in your head.

Trapped in Haoleville

You may have noted our prolonged absence. It has been a long, arduous month for the Birdonnell clan. Our trials have been many. Our suffering can only be described as "great". But we are back, and we are doing much, much better.

I do not mean to be dramatic, but where there is life, drama will follow. Like a stray dog who refuses to either make direct eye contact with you or stop following along behind your footsteps, drama will follow. Here is why we have not been blogging:
It started off as an innocent enough March day. Lori, Landy, and Andrew puttering around our island paradise in a Honda Civic that lacked for nothing. Four cylinders running to perfection, the sun smiling overhead, and palm trees swaying to the beat of our radio. The young family made their way up the winding roads of Capital Hill. Their goal? A delicious breakfast meal at the legendary purveyor of food and fine spirits: Coffee Care.

Something was wrong, though. The birds were still and the breeze was strong from the East. Omens were ignored as the family pushed its way into Coffee Care's faux adobe interior. "Where are the crayons? Where are the crayons?" Landy yelled. We always vow beforehand that we won't let him eat them, but he's got this look... I'll describe it as best I can some other time, but the action must commence. As Landy ran into a booth to look for crayons, Lori and Andrew noticed something different about the restaurant. Instead of the wait staff, there was a group of pale-skinned people standing in a semi-circle and staring at us.

One of them stepped forward, a tall, hale, blonde fellow in khaki shorts, a flower-print shirt, white socks, and sandals. "Greetings, brother and sister," he said. "We're so glad you could join us."

We did our best to explain that we had only come for Cinnamon French Toast, that we weren't looking for trouble. As we were soon to find out, though, looking for trouble can sometimes be as needless a task as looking for hair in your sink's drain. That is to say, it's always there. Looking for you.

Our saga continues.... here: www.metabirdonnell.blogspot.com